Dear Pittsburgh Steelers,
My name is Phoebe Cates, and you are undoubtedly my favorite NFL franchise. When I am not cheering on “The Team of Teams”, I am the charismatic front man of Attractive Eighties Women, an awesomecore rock band in Atlanta, GA. When performing, I work up a fierce sweat. For good luck, I always wipe that sweat with my official Myron Cope Terrible Towel™.
On January 12, my band held a CD release party for our debut album, Coup D’é Ta-Ta’s (available at CD Baby for the low price of $9.99). It was the culmination of everything we’d been working towards for two years. After just the fourth song in our set, a mysterious female assailant hurled her drink at me. The glass shattered and a large chunk of it slashed my wrist very badly. As I staggered back, blood pouring from the gaping wound, I began to panic. I knew I had to stop the flow of blood quickly if I were to have a fighting chance of leaving that stage alive!
Thinking quickly, I grabbed my Terrible Towel™ and wrapped it tightly around the cut, making sure I kept firm pressure on the wound. As I held the towel there, waiting for the paramedics to arrive, I was grateful for its life saving absorbency.
Thanks to my official Myron Cope Terrible Towel™, I survived the ordeal, but, as you can see from this photo, my bloodstained towel has seen better days (like February 5, 2006). There are not many Steelers fans here in Atlanta, so finding a new Terrible Towel™ has proven very difficult. So difficult in fact, I was hoping you could just send me a new one. If you could do that, I assure you I will wave it proudly and often. Please send it soon. Who knows when it may be called upon to save another life? Thank you very much.